Love, Challenges, and a Messed-up Hi-Fi.
by Alan Smithee
Summary: My entry into Andromache's Valentine's Day challenge. (Review this and I'll give you: a spot on my Author Alert, (temporary with chance to get more) spot on my Favorite Authors, and an exclusive Song parody you cannot get on the site.)


ZELL.  
  
"I'd like to think that it was only a dream. A bad dream, one I want to forget....But by now I can't forget it. For the first time, I know what it means to be in love. Now I realize why you were so infatuated. You kept telling me I had no passion, but it seems that even I can be passionate! If I can forgive you, will you forgive me, too?"  
"That's excellent, Zell! One more time, make sure you've got it! That library chicky will be all over you like that!" She replies.  
"Okay....I'd like to think that it was only a dream. A bad dream, one I want to forget....But by now I can't forget it. For the first time, I know what it means to be in love. Now I realize why you were so infatuated. You kept telling me I had no passion, but it seems that even I can be passionate! If I can forgive you, will you forgive me, too?" The words work so well to this...How can I show her that they're real?  
"You're SO money right now! Well, I've got to go. Irvy's pulling out all of the stops tonight....Let me know how you do, tiger!" Oh, yeah. She calls me Tiger when for the first time ever, I'd call myself a Chicken-Wuss. I mean, how do I manage this one?  
  
I thought I could have handled this. Last November, I probably could've. I had been so in love with that library chick that I couldn't see straight, or I thought I was, at the very least. Top it off, I had heard from some sources that she liked me too. I had the opening, I had the skills, all I needed was the confidence. I tried going to the closest sources I could have at the time...  
"...Whatever. Just be yourself. Women like that...Oh, wait, sorry man. Here's my advice... Be me. This way, you don't risk scaring her off." Well, that was no help to me at all. I mean, the leather pants chafed, and that gunblade is so not my weapon...  
"WHAT? YOU NEED ROMANTIC HELP? HA! I'M SHOCKED! I'VE GOT TO TELL PEOPLE THIS ONE! 'CHICKEN WUSS AND...'" Why'd I even think to try Seifer? Someone tell me?  
"Dude...Hickeys&bananas..."  
"What? Hickeys and bananas?"  
"No, I said SHE'LL go bananas..." Irvine, minus. Well, I'll have to go to the source. "Hopefully, a female will help me...", I thought. And then she happened. "Zell! What are you doing here?"   
  
Out of all the bedrooms of all the horn-dog Kid Rock wannabees in the entire Garden, she had to walk out of his. "Selphie, well, you see, I'm going to need to have some help on how to make this one girl like me...can you give me some pointers?"   
"Certainly. I think I know who...That little dish in the library?"  
"How'd you know?"  
"Seifer was blabbing it all around the place..."  
"DAMN HIM!"  
"Listen. There's a few ways to get this stuff. If you want, I'll coach you...wait until you're able to sweep her off her feet?"   
"That would be perfect..." If only I could turn back time to the area when places were clean-cut. This would work so well in reflection...  
  
SELPHIE.  
  
"Irvy? What are you doing here?"  
"I've come to check out what you've been doing, Sefie. You've been helping out old C.W. so much, I was worried I'd lose you to him...I've decided to try and do my part to keep you. Come on, I'm going to give you the night of your life..."  
"Aw, Irvy! You shouldn't have!"  
"I always do right by my number one bitch. Now, let's go...our chariot awaits..."  
"Oh, hold up! Let me just end this lesson...It looks like Zell's going to be able to do it..."  
"Excellent! Maybe we should double date sometime..."  
  
ZELL.  
  
"Okay, now what's this way to get women?"   
"Oh, it's simple. There's this one route to get any girl you desire...Irvy? But I'm in the middle of a meeting...Oh, all right..." DENIED. Dammit...  
"Okay, once more, how do I get women?"  
"I didn't tell you yet...Cid? A mission? Why'd you pick ME of all people....I annoy you? Okay..." Take 137...  
"Okay, Selphie..." I quickly took her...beautiful hand...WHAT AM I THINKING? "I've been a little patient with you...Either you tell me the secret to getting women or else we'll both be going to My Final Heaven..." I stare down at her to watch her fear...Damn, she's beautiful...why haven't I noticed this before?..."Zell...don't try it...it'll be a huge mistake..." What should I do? I'm pissed off...I'm angry...I'm desperate...I'm..."Okay. If I let you go, will you tell me?"   
"Of course..." I did it...  
"Well, speaking from my own personal influence, the first tip is DON'T THREATEN THE WOMEN..." Damn, she has a nice bod...What am I saying? She's my partner, she's my fellow SeeD, she's my friend, she's..."And that's how you get women. Any questions?" "Um, does this work with anyone?"  
"Well, it should. Worked on me, didn't it?" Ah, this should help, NO! She's my partner, she's my fellow SeeD, she's my good friend, She's...THE GIRL OF MY FUCKING DREAMS! Why didn't I see this before she met that asshole Irvine! Oh, well, my ship has sailed....  
  
SELPHIE.  
  
"So, where's the limo you promised?" I asked. He took me to...His beat-up purple El Camino with that awful gold trim?"   
"I never promised you a limo...Here, though, is the magical El Camino of LOVVVVVVE!" Yeah, I know your scthick, The extra V's are for the Virginties you took in it... "Well, at least we'll be heading to the nicest restaurant possible..."  
"Of course, Sefie Bear. This great new place, just opened up around here..."  
  
"Well, you can untake my bandanna now..." Finally? Chez Snooty? Casa de Burro?  
"Welcome to Denny's! May I take your order?" DENNY'S? What is he fucking THINKING?  
"Yes, I'll have the first Grand Slam, and before I go any further, we are twin siblings and its our birthday today...Chop Chop!" What's his problem? Actually, his "Twin siblings" plan works well, as the only couples who go to Denny's for Valentine's Day are obviously related, so it works, huh?   
"Hey, Sefie, you're not eating yours! Save that stuff! Breakfast tomorrow, eh?"  
"Um, no, I'm not hungry..."  
"Don't worry. Save your energy for the great entertainment choice tonight?" Come on, at least if it's that great new Final Fantasy movie I've heard about, this might be saved a bit...  
"It's something I know you've wanted to see for a while now, so..." YES! He's coming through...  
  
"Welcome to the Yuri-Man Theatre! Tonight's featured performer is our newest girl, Princess Garnet til Alexandros the 17th..." WHAT IS HE DOING TAKING ME TO A STRIP CLUB ON VALENTINE'S DAY? He'd better have some good explanations for this one coming...  
"Don't worry, baby! The entertainment's coming! I've got about 10000 gil here, just pick a person and I'll be ready to offer it up to get another person to share our love tonight..." What? That creep! I've got to get out of here...  
"Where you going, baby?"   
"I've got...a class early tomorrow morning...I'll see you..."  
  
ZELL.  
  
Well, it's almost time to do this. Should I settle for what I can possibly get or work for the unattainable? What is love, really? Why the fuck is this the way that love has to work? Guys like Squall can not try and manage to find it, Irvine tries to find it with anything with two tits, a hole, and a heartbeat and he manages to get a girl that is way too good for him, and a basically nice guy like me ends up sitting alone on Valentine's Day, DL'ing off of Napster and realizing that his only chance at female companionship is with those people no other men would even go after, and that would be because they took pity on me! I can't believe this sort of luck. What about me? I did all the stuff that they did, too! I was there! Who's meant for me...?  
  
SELPHIE.  
  
So, it's like...I've been waiting for that one thing that would show me Irvine cared about me, right? Whenever he tries to get with me, it's always the same- dinner, a movie, and an attempt to get in my panties...So then this other friend of mine asked for help to get women, and he treats me like I deserve to be treated, right? I give a few more lessons to him, help him get his work down. I hope that Irvy decided to check this stuff out and gives me a great night to remember, you know, just out of competition? He ends up taking me to Denny's and a strip joint instead of at least giving me an okay dinner and a movie like always! Then he tries to have me pick up one of the people to 'bring to the party', meaning he didn't even want to just be with me...What am I to do? I know Zell wants that library girl and only her, but Irvine wants only what's underneath my dress...What's your advice?  
"YOU SUCK."  
"You know, you're right! Thank you, Dr. Mr Monkey! You've helped me immensely!" I pass Mr.Monkey his co-pay and go on my merry way.   
  
ZELL.  
  
Well, this is Valentine's Day. Just another day to sell cards and candy and a night to make people like me who aren't meant for human companionship to lament that fact...I hate it. Why should I even wake up these times? Ah, perfect song to compliment this...*ring* The doorbell? But I'm getting down! Aw... Just pause Napster...keyhole...Selphie? QUICK! Let's see...she said to cover up the tattoo to look nicer...Perfect...Get my nice clothes on to try this stuff... Perfect! Just like she advised me..."Selphie, hi!"  
"What's been going on? Are you going to...show your lessons?"  
"Of course not...well, maybe...Yeah, I guess I am..."  
"Oh, great....I hope you get the girl of your dreams with that stuff..."  
"um, uh, I'd like to think that it was only a dream. A bad dream, one I want to forget....But by now I can't forget it. For the first time, I know what it means to be in love. Now I realize why you were so infatuated. You kept telling me I had no passion, but it seems that even I can be passionate! If I can forgive you, will you forgive me, too?"   
"Uh, chicken...Zell? What's that? Are you practicing?"  
"You said if I tried this stuff, it'd get me the girl I wanted...did it work?"  
"Zell, that's the most despicable, underhanded thing I've ever seen anyone try on me in my life, and you're damn right it worked." Ah, maybe this holiday has some meaning after all...  
"Sefie, I'm sorry! What did I do wrong! Take me back! Anyone but Chicken-Wuss, I mean, my reputation's at stake!"  
"Don't worry, 'Irvy.' I want you to have some unbridled...'RAPTURE'... Ah, he's out of the way. Where were we?" 


End file.
